I tell her that I am trying to follow the instructions. The
instructions on what to eat prior to an MRI appointment. I am really trying to
co-operate with them completely. To do everything they ask for. I have read the
sheets many times. It says no coffee. As well as no sugar, chocolate or energy
drinks. I think I can do what they want. It is actually what I want. I want
this MRI done. I want the result. I want the truth. They are helping me. I must help them as much
as possible.
It is a cold morning. I am shivering. Do I need more clothes? Will the MRI be warm? It has to be warm. It’s
in a hospital. I arrive at medical imaging and I think it t
feels warm. I go to reception and ask a nurse, “Do I leave my jacket on?”
After a bit of talking she looks at me with pity and explains
to me, “You don’t seem to understand. You go to a room that I will show you, and
you take off all your clothes and put on scrubs. Have you had a cannula before?”
Of course. Everybody has had one of them. We talk a while and it works well. I now know
what is happening. I have complete faith
in them. I finish up lying on my back on a hospital trolley with a cannula in
my left arm. And then I am pushed into a tunnel. I am wearing ear muffs. I look forward into a
mirror directly ahead of me and can see staff moving around. They are all
fiddling with dials and looking at things with intent faces that say, “Just
checking; making sure; having a good look.”
And then the noise starts. It is an electronic, hammering,
pulsating noise. It appears to encircle me. It is ahead of, behind me and besides
me. I watch the staff and they continue to fuss about the machine. They seem
oblivious to the noise. They do not panic or rush. They seem calm and in
control. Which reassures and comforts
me. And then the noise stops and suddenly is replaced by music. I know the
song. I must remember this. It is “I heard it through the grapevine.” And then the noise returns and overwhelms the
music. And then again the noise from the machine drops and again is replaced by
music. This is the way it is going to go. Music and noise alternating. I can
handle this. I must try and keep still. That’s my job. I spend all my time
watching the staff fuss about their machine, taking occasionally looks at a
screen.
I want good test results and I have a plan in order to
achieve this. I will turn up on time. I will be polite. I will speak nicely to
the staff. I will do everything they ask me. With enthusiasm. I will then thank
them for their help. I will repeatedly thank them for everything they have done. That should do it. If I behave nicely I will
get good results. Unlike the guy following me who will turn up late, smell bad
and be rude to the staff. He will get bad test results. I know it.
I have another plan for getting good results. That both the
lumbar puncture and the MRI will show something good. I don’t know why but I know
I will be told something good. I will
get good results. I know it will happen. I imagine the results as being good therefore
good results will follow. The results will be what I dream them to be. It may sound strange but I really believe in
the power of dreaming about the future. Your dreams (can call it prayers) can
change what will happen in the future.
Is this what all people do? Do all people automatically
assume they will get good or bad results? Does everybody think about the future
and assume certain things? Are there people out there who automatically assume
the worst? That they will get bad results.
Does it vary from person to person and how do you change?
While we are talking about results the other thing we need
to mention is premonitions. You always
have some premonition of what you are going to get. It can be at any time but
most premonitions come when you go back to get the results. You can normally
tell by the attitude of the staff what is coming. Serious, hushed tones mean
prepare yourself. A glum doctor who invites you into his little room for a talk
is to be avoided.
I have spoken at length to a health care worker and they
have told me that how I feel has no relationship to the results actually
received. They say that basically once the test tube has left my vicinity I
can’t influence the results. They don’t believe
in magic. They don’t believe attitude or
thoughts affecting results.
Post script.
This is written the day after. I have heard indirectly form the hospital. Interim results say umbar puncture shows tau proteins to be normal and the MRI shows no additional
bleeds. The news is unofficial but very promising and if correct it means the
best possible results are out there and heading towards me.
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