Chapter 31 : I love this cold wind

We (me and Lorna) find ourselves somewhere different.  In a room full of people socializing. My first impression is that we don’t know anybody in the room. We have nobody to talk to except each other.

Soon we find ourselves talking to a lady I have not talked to for twenty years (approximate). I tell her how, I am now retired. I no longer work. I am now enjoying my retirement. And I find myself listening as Lorna tells this lady that I was very sick; was in hospital for seven weeks and that is why I am no longer working.  And now the strange bit. This lady tells Lorna, “I thought something like that had happened. I thought there was a problem with him.”

And I am listening and I am thinking, “I thought I was going well. What has given everything away? Is it the way I talk or stand or move? Perhaps when I move, I move slowly and carefully. Perhaps I think about moving before I move. Perhaps I looked around before I move. I must have done something.  I’ve said all the right things. Well I think so. I talked about how good it was to be retired. I didn’t say I was forced into it.”

It was absolute pleasure to talk to this lady but I still want to know. I want to know how she knew I had been sick. What gave it away? Is there something I need to work on?

But we don’t have time to think. After some finger food we find ourselves socializing with an older man I haven’t seen for years.  Oh I don’t know how long it is?  Anyway I once again find myself listening as Lorna talks about me. She tells a man how I was in ICU for two weeks and then transferred to other wards. And this is the interesting part. He doesn’t believe her. He keeps looking at me and shaking his head and it goes on like this for a while. And Lorna keeps on saying, “No it’s true. He woke up slowly. Took ages to recognize anybody. It really is true.” And it is sort of obvious that this man looks at me and doesn’t think I look anything like an ICU patient. He looks at me and treats me like a normal person and this time I am not grateful. He seems to doubt my past. He doesn’t seem to believe what I have been through.  He looks at me and thinks I should be working. He thinks I should be out there. Playing my part. Doing my bit.

And I tell Lorna, “I think I left my computer on.”

And she says, “Don’t worry everybody does that. Nothing will get harmed.”

And I say, “But I forgot."

And she says, “Everybody forgets things.”

But that’s the point. I can’t afford to forget anything.  It will be noted and a mark will go against me. It will be recorded as further evidence.

And luckily on the way home I feel cold. The weather has turned. It’s not me feeling sick. It’s the wind from down south saving me.  External factors are causing me to feel cold. Not something inside me. I love this cold wind.