Stacey enters, apologizes and asks me, “Do you want a coffee?”
I nod. Of course I want coffee. It means a trip out of this place, amongst the normal people. The non-pajama wearing people. The non-nurses.
Down into the area outside the lifts. This area outside the lifts is a tightly guarded area separating the ward from the outside. This area belongs in a film. As the area the hero has to try and cross. I imagine what sort of music would be playing as the hero attempts to cross this guarded area.
Stacey can get me across this tightly guarded area. She has a key and a password to transport this area. Stacey deserves an Oscar. We go down the lift into a coffee shop. The chairs are all on tables. The floor is being cleaned.
I finish the coffee and immediately know we are going back. Up the lift. Through the security guarded area. Past the nurses reading screens. Back to my room, my bed, my toilet, my shower. I lie on my bed and tell Stacey, “That was good.”
Stacey goes and I lie on the bed. How much longer until tea. Can I hear any activity which tells me food is being delivered? Not that I am hungry. I just want to watch what the staff are doing.
Next day I am taken to the local gardens. Every time we approach a road Stacey comes and protects me. She holds my arm to stop me racing across the road. We stand beside the road. Her with her arm around me as she looks up and down the road. She is continually protecting me or looking after me. She will see everything. I will look at my feet.
A nurse comes and tells me that they are coming at 11 0’clock tomorrow and I had better be here then. The next morning I lie on my bed and three doctors arrive. They say, “hello.” The doctors are all very neat and hold clip boards. They look at their notes, add to them, look into the distance, show the clipboards to each other and nod. They do a lot of nodding. They talk about me. They don’t ask me any questions. I also bail out and fail to ask them any of the big questions. They say goodbye and go.
I sit in the room motionless. A sitter comes and sits by me. She smiles at me and says, “Do you want a shower.”
It’s the middle of the day. Not my usual time but who cares so I say, “Okay let’s do it.”
The sitter gets a towel. She turns the shower on. There is a small bottle of shampoo or soap. I take my clothes off and stand under the shower. The water feels great. I turn around and wet myself completely. Then I cover myself with soap. I keep on turning around and wetting myself. I don’t care how many people come in and watch. I’ve gone past that stage. My body is past that stage. It only wants to enjoy itself. It doesn’t care who is watching.