Chapter 4: Stacey sits next to my bed

Stacey sits next to my bed and I ask her, “What else have you been doing today.  How’s your work going?”

She talks about her work and it sounds very exciting.  To be able to work. Does she know how lucky she is? Her enthusiasm for her work is exciting. She talks without pause about her work. She is doing something she really loves. I’m curious about the issues she is having at work. About problems that I can help with. How can I help my kids? Like I used to. What can I do now? And I lie on my bed and I know that those days have gone.

I turn around and Stacey is also gone.  I’m all alone again. I look at the toilet. I reckon I know the way to use it. I can sit here and I reckon this handle flushes it. There is a collection of soap containers in front of the shower. Can I use this soap? I reckon if I push this lever soap will come out. Does it belong to the guy sleeping in the other bed? I play with the taps over the shower. One must be hot. One must be cold. I try and get the hang of them. Then back to bed.

Back in my bed I wake from my slumber and she is back right in front of me again. Stacey. If she is back it could be another day. Or perhaps it is later the same day. She leans towards me and says quietly, “Do you want a cup of coffee?” 

I immediately realize what she is talking about. She is not talking about something to drink. She is talking about an exciting adventure.  A trip where you buy things. A trip where you tell a barista exactly what you want. She is not talking about the coffee in the room up the corridor.

I nod my head yes. Of course I want to go. Of course I want to get out of this place. We go back down the corridor to the area in front of the lifts. I wait while Stacey fiddles on a few security keyboards and we are out.  Into the lift, down the lift and then out of the lift. Down a busy passageway passing normal people.  In my bedclothes I shuffle looking at my every footstep.  Worried about where to put each foot. The normal people glide past me dancing and floating with speed not looking at their feet. I am in their world. Who am I kidding? They know I am not one of them.

The coffee shop is proud, noisy and announces itself before we arrive. The barista is patrolling the area behind the cakes. He is in complete control of all the cakes. We get a lot of pleasure out of asking about each cake and then telling him what we prefer.  He gets pleasure out of making exactly the drink that we ask for. I watch the froth in the cup, the foam and the streaks of chocolate on top.

We drink the coffee and agree that it was nice. We then stand up and leave our empty cups and saucer covered in crumbs and go. We then head back to the lift area and rise up to our floor.  I wait while Stacey does all the official stuff.  Now I am officially in. Now down the corridor. Past the central nurses’ area full of nurses looking at screens. I shuffle back to my room and lie on my bed.