Chapter 17 : After sickness?

People always put me in with other people that they know how to handle, the chemo group. They know what happens to that group. It contains people who will feel sick, vomit, have a lump or an ulcer or other pathology which gets smaller. It contains people who have been given a diagnosis and a timeline.  I don’t know why I am in this group. I don’t have a timeline of three months or six months or twelve months. There is no swelling or lump I can put my finger on. I have been told nothing. I haven’t been given a diagnosis or a prognosis. No diagnosis. No timeline.

At the end of this month I am due to see the Neurologists. They need to tell me what is happening. I need to ask them. I keep on saying this and my daughters keep saying, “Well what happens if they don’t know, if they can’t tell you what happened, what do you do then? What happens if they don’t know what is going to happen in the future?”

At present I am feeling faint all of the time. My pulse is slow. I feel better when I exercise.  When I go for a run or a walk. But I cannot tire myself out by going for hours. No long activities as in the past. Need more frequent activities but easier not vigorous sweating competitive activities.  My body has changed. In several ways.  I need more rest.  I wake up slowly in the morning. I wake up more in the afternoon. My bowels have changed. Different bowel movements. No details will be provided.

My eating habits have changed. I tend to eat less. Become less hungry. I don’t eat just in order to make the host feel better.  If I don’t feel hungry and the food looks less than appetizing I don’t eat it. I don’t eat it just in order to make people talk and socialize more. 

My old work day routine has gone. It consisted of get up 6:30 a.m. Have breakfast of porridge. Walk to work. Snack on biscuits. Work till 1:00 p.m. Have lunch consisting of toast and tea. Sleep for twenty minutes as I listened to the midday show. Go back to work. Have a cup of coffee. Walk or run home. Have tea and then watch TV until going to bed.